i have somehow fallen back into being deeply unhappy about my pay, i don’t think there should be a “we can pay you less b/c you just care about the kids” kinda tax on this work, f*k that
can’t blame the system, just hustle harder
things to not care about:
where i should be
that i am not great at cooking
not great at a healthy lifestyle / exercise
people who don’t think i should be paid
offending some people (we’re all headed to the same destination in the end anyway)
those can be worked on in a year ! and i can be good at other things (like sailing)
appreciate who i am and what i have, then strive for even better
go on the offensive, not defensive; i’ll make a name plate for myself that gives me a title and i’ll fake it until i make it
and just be okay that i am who i am, don’t need to go emulate whatever i think other people i think are more successful do,
(a rabbit learning from a horse how to cross the same river will drown)
goals: finish this classifier in a week (RL contract work over weekend), finish robot arm demo in a month (work on knife-throwing after), bank work – friday goal
because i am actually smart enough to do so !
uh, pandemic diary:
putin’s war is 42 days in, given up on capital,
photos of people throwing other people in a big ditch, wrapped up in the same household stuff I have: comforters, rugs, bath robes
a tank rolling down the streets and just firing on a huge apartment building as if it were a video game
reading spy x family: hilarious, but the idea of finding the limbs/arm of my loved ones torn off and just lying sticking out of wall rubble. somehow got to me. visceral.
(being behind on rent. making ends meet by staging photos: a “country starving under dictatorship” by throwing a kid’s toy in the trash and taking photos of them “digging for food in the trash”. then getting dragged away.)
(how a normal happy-go-lucky person, that positive energy, motivated of love for their country and their family living there to interrogate people for the SSS)
(another visceral scene from a book. still remember the story in melinda gate’s book. the sex worker who prostituted herself out of love for her daughter, to support her daughter through school. then when the daughter’s friends found out and shamed the daughter for it, the daughter killed herself)
biden taking a stand and calling putin a war criminal vs ending war sooner – what is the more moral thing to do?
BA.2 on the rise again even as i take more risks (indoor dining this week, likely). i’m so eager for the weather to turn warm so i don’t have to take these risks anymore to social with new people without just straight up inviting new people to my aptmt with all my roommates
abortion rights being curtailed – ga state passing bill to ban mail-in abortions. supreme court upholding rights in texas for state to pay for bounties on women. it’s sickening.
hurry up! earn money so i can support the fight (does it matter? but it must, otherwise nothing matters)
elections coming up again, put myself on a solid footing by november so i’m in a place to volunteer
is it wrong to have a FAANG / whatever goal? (will i thrive if i’m not working on missions i care about?) no! i’m doing a phd in cs at harvard; i’ve got publications; stop listening to the people who would tear me down (even the ones in my head / my projections of the real people)
the unreliability of case numbers as cases go down (noise starts to overwhelm small signal), rapid tests increase (those aren’t reported). i’m definitely taking on more risks now that i know i can get regularly tested for free. and as i get a feedback of taking risks and not getting sick. (where is my red line? i keep moving it)
and the huge outbreak in china (entire shanghai locked down, crazy !!)
changed so much now in third year of pandemic. remember when i used to batch stores for a monthly trip, freak out if people where closer than 6 ft in a store, shower immediately after, decontaminate mail, … access to tests makes such a difference. the mask wearing and the hand washing stays though
or at least, it feels like late summer of last year
but with more research + the boosters + “milder” but very contagious covid variant ripping through the population (thus killing more people than other variants), actually feel more confident &
i feel comfortable now doing way more activities. or maybe i’m just fatigued. and classes that my friends go to have run in person for a while now
in person – mixed feelings, hybrid good
— went to lab in allston today, at lunchtime the cafe was swarming with people, it made me feel very stressed out ! !
— and went to pierce to cowork in person last week for a few hours, and even walked around (again) crowded law school cafe
just… went into office to re-integrate into society, see some classmates again. if i’m willing to bike 30 mins into boston on a whim and get totally lost, i should be willing to bike 10 mins to pierce or 16 mins to allston, in particular, it’s basically a straight path with bike lane the whole way
(still, attended office hours on zoom, and anxiety cleaned my room / mopped the floor while waiting for prof to finish with another student. this is not possible in office hours if you are just in line to talk to the prof. hybrid is nice)
allston: went there to go to seminar in-person today (monday). actually, the speaker was on zoom and it was just the four of us in a room! got lunch coupon – for take out – encouraged to eat together (oops). theoretically everyone vax and masked. but actually building is completely open to the public 0:
another win for hybrid: didn’t really disrupt / feel awkward going in late, and could actually follow the talk the whole way while biking (zoom on phone)
still. didn’t say hi to classmates today – or go in to lab – felt overwhelming to try to interact with anyone other than the same old 4 or 5 people
— also went to yoga last friday – door was even closed (30F out). hepa filters and everyone masked (4 people, all vaxxed, in fairly spacious room). but still, more like 2 ft spacing than 6ft
the new engineering building is very nice looking. mixed feelings. good to have nice things. but does it pressure out the misfits and janky hackish projects? hopefully not. still – my friend points out almost anywhere you sit there is natural light coming in (reflectors on windows?). and wildflower grass balconies to work on, with outdoor outlets
pandemic now
just today harvard announced soon masksoptional !
i’m sure it will change if cases rise again. still, shocking
(i bet my friend that social norms means most people at harvard will still mask, she thinks differently)
“only” 1300 deaths a day in the US now (7 day avg).
interestingly, the drop in cases is so sharp – the 7 day moving avg, is ~7x the number of daily (today)! 42k avg daily (avg across 7 days) vs 6k cases today today.
now i’m going into the office, i’ll get tested weekly through covid. free through university. just pick up a kit (unmanned, just a box full of kits in several locations). self-swab (poor nose). and drop off at bins usually located next the kits (also unmanned). there’s a last pickup time, like fedex.
PCR turnaround ~18 hrs (fri afternoon drop off, sat morning online report)
tests available for $8 just about everywhere (target) without having to call around now. government stepping in and buying tests to make sure manufacturers have reliable demand to invest in test production. but is it only 4 free ones (per household) ever, or per month? not sure, but we did get our four free ones 🙂 haven’t used any yet
pandemic changes in my behavior
nowadays i will walk 1 ft away from my friend (vax, boosted, tested weekly) outside and not be concerned even when unmasked
(nice weather lately, several days of 40F going up to high 50s !) — hopefully that means our gas bill is no longer $440/month
still feel nervous if I’m unmasked and others are also, and we are walking the same block 4 ft apart for a while
omicron seemed so contagious back when cases were going insane that i was back to my 6 ft masked bubble again (though tbf in georgia half the time the other person is unmasked) — remember stories of people catching it just from crossing the street close to someone for a few seonds
i remember looking up the generation time of omicron — contagious / can spread omicron again in some cases within a day ! vs delta was 3 days, original more like 5 days.
still remember in 2020 either party politely crossing the street when encountering other people around our suburb — some weird resonance with stories i heard about racism, yet same action is polite now in totally different context
parents are even considering air travel in a month — despite some pre-existing conditions. i guess probably it’s ok
i consistently don’t wear a mask in the stairwell now…
still run hepa filters whenever maintenance workers come over — usually they are unmasked
but mostly i run mine for white noise now lol
also feel alarmed to try and eat indoors with other people around. but maybe it’s fine if the spacing is large??? the idea of being unmasked indoors in a public space still makes me instinctively nervous
pandemic specific skills: mask sizing
today i actually tried briefly to find the size of masks that fit my face comfortably (medium) in black instead of white – kf94. doesn’t touch my lips & feels just the right closeness & molded to nose well.
note to self, klaring medium dimensions: imperial: 7.5 x 2.87 x 5.4 in metric: 19 x 7.3 x 13.7 cm (190 x 73 x 137 mm) length x (folded height) x (unfolded height)
(kn95 – haven’t figured out how to make it fit my face well, fogs up like crazy)
so specific — a long time ago i was too lazy even to watch a youtube video my friend send me about comparisons of different mask styles. just used non-medical surgical mask
microcovid
i keep forgetting the definition when i tell people.
We created the concept of the “microcovid” as a new quantitative unit for risk. One microCOVID is a one-in-a-million chance of getting COVID.
An activity that’s 20,000 microCOVIDs means that you have a 2% risk of getting COVID every time you do it. An activity that’s 20 microCOVIDs (or 0.002%) is relatively safe, as you could do it every week for a year and still have only accumulated about a 0.1% chance of getting COVID.
https://www.microcovid.org
wait so – 1 “covid” is then 1,000 microcovids = 0.1% chance of COVID.
aka same activity, weekly for a year is 50x = 5% chance of getting COVID over the year
Risk tolerance buckets: They run it per year
0.1 % = 20 mCOVID / week
1 % = 200 mCOVID / week — they call “standard caution” budget (1 in 100 people)
3 % = 600 mCOVID / week – (1 in 33)
10% = 2,000 mCOVID / week
ukraine / putin’s war
seems like war in ukraine will exist for weeks / months. the instability / having so much chaos and death rest in the hands of some old guy who is clearly out of touch with reality / bizarrely conspiratorial. wants to return to the glorious old days. terrifying to not appreciate the new world with the peace we all have —
this weird sense of international corporations and banking actually forming a common culture and jargon in all these countries, and with H&M etc. shutting down, day-to-day people finding themselves suddenly increasingly isolated
(also had no idea there was such strong misinformation in russia. the idea of shelling cities across ukraine — definitely not aiding some breakaway regions as was initially claimed…)
what is greater context? i don’t know anything about ussr. just following news updates for hours to procrastinate… but need to sit down and learn history
terrifying to watch normal cities get levelled, the idea of not trying to capture a city but just raze it to the ground.
consumerism
inflation — in some ways it’s just empowered me to be a little more decisive about purchasing things online. if the price is higher than the past — maybe that’s just have to accept, due to inflation, the value vs price is less certain
amazon, target, yamibuy — everything online nowadays. or do pickup.
but still often in person — will spend 30 mins in crowded market basket and not be suppppeerr stressed out somehow (compared to cafe). maybe just normalized grocery shopping
still, waiting in line at a crowded small boba shop — makes me nervous
it’s really nice that case counts are so low again. i feel like a period of time everyone was nervous about sore throat etc as omicron, but in the end everyone i know had something other than omicron
morbidity (serious illness)
nytimes morning briefing from end of Jan:
the idea of irrational distrust of vaccines, but from liberals (distrust that they’ll protect us) — esp. that for liberals, young people are more afraid than old people ! (from kaiser, https://www.kff.org/coronavirus-policy-watch/is-contact-tracing-getting-enough-attention-in-u-s-coronavirus-response/)
the dying of covid, given you get covid, according to some calcs (for our age group and given boostered) is less than likelihood of dying in a car crash on a random day
well i may not be comfortable in gym for multiple reasons. (shower??) but maybe i could aim for… 10 minutes of exercise a day?
right now we’re accomplishing 5 mins of stretches a day, which is not-nothing
thanks to the ankle sprain (got two weeks before thanksgiving, still recovering) i understand a lot more about how stretches can “target” muscle groups to decrease likelihood of injury, vs just general fitness
anyway, that’s it for now
postscript
forgot to add a featured image, maybe this mural of a dinosaur fighting a robot around inman sq will do
background levels covid cases way down, so I guess the admins of Harvard/MIT were right to open campus again for end of Jan. was frightening to see it spike so high in sewage levels (wow, i remember attending talk at harvard a year or so b/f pandemic talking about possibilities for monitoring eg opiates in sewage)
to see that huge spike after so many vaccines/boosters, really made omicron seem crazy infectious (passing some on the street). and hear of icu’s full again, people being denied life-saving surgery due to full icu’s. dr’s again giving reports to media asking people to stop acting as if pandemic is over.
still don’t fully understand why it’s such an sharp decline, but grateful to be able to go back to “normal,” not super aware of how many people are within 6 ft bubble and how long (still makes me nervous, but not stressed out for hours after)
quarantine for a week after airport, testing, …
i’ll even go in for a physical in a week. and, i’ve started trying to hunt for office space so i can be in-the-flow again with people going about their careers and anything i do actually mattering / anyone caring if i’m doing work or functioning well or not.
going in to the office! harvard spaces are public access again.
reality
yet. still 2k deaths a day. US passed 1 million deaths this past weekend. 🙁 have had two or three close friends whose grandfather or uncle died from COVID.
and, i still get the UN wire in my email inbox. instability, famine, and coups in western africa, and russia invading ukraine, there is so much less.. peace… than before the pandemic.
grateful to be able to trust the vaccine and the delivery and the healthcare system in the US.
I’ve really started… caring less. Don’t think much of going in stores ever since around 2 weeks of moving back to Boston / optimize for that.
testing
Our free COVID tests from the government came in. We also have maintenance workers in and out & run the hepa filters now. (re hepa, apparently less air particulate levels can help with IQ, maybe that will help me lol)
humor
i forget if i posted this before, but still cracks me up
i got one person to get a booster by sending them the CVS links for appointments, so happy about that
i think that’s all for now. went on hikes with masks off outside (masks on in car), so way more chill about that, esp. with rapid testing. with cases so low, even thinking about finding some exercise things. though, it’ll be easier with temps rising again to do outdoor exercise (and with my ankle way better – almost normal)
can’t think of other covid related stuff now, but i can always write it down in next one i guess
