at times like these i see myself how the world sees me: a woman

i want to be angry at my friends somehow since they are the closest to me and i’m terrified.

but i also feel the enormity of running for president in the united states. just how many people have to put in work for how many hours for this uncertainty of a venture that is american politics. so many smart, bright, talented people.

and to be honest, i think harris did amazing. she started three months ago (!). what have i done in three months? barely anything hah.

in medford — 75% of people voted for harris. i’m not sure the turnout, i think around 70% across the state. so there’s probably around 1/5 people who actively vote for trump here. in somerville it’s closer to 88%. 1/10 people or less. half as many. it’s weird to put it that way. but there are the big trump flags here that make me feel like i’m in georgia.

i’m angry at my friends for irrational reasons, as if I would be any happier if our lives became devoted to politics. it is good to be older and wiser than 2016 me who fell off the rails. i need to remember that.

i wasn’t sure how to tell people here that i didn’t feel the same amount of energy and enthusiasm as in 2020, when we had the biden checks (heh) and free time to campaign (and presumably other college folks were home too). i really got invested / enthusiastic over the summer in 2016 and 2020. (well, i was in georgia both elections).

i can feel it — the bubble i live in, and the bubble people my friends’ groups lives in. we don’t associate with the other — we don’t welcome people having different opinions. because of fear and anger. as if somehow my friends misled me to be optimistic. that i was the one lulled since the people around me were feeling secure. herd thinking.

my friend told me today: “i don’t know anyone who was enthusiastic about hillary clinton,” and it was interesting to me — in georgia i didn’t know anyone who was enthusiastic about sanders … bubbles in bubbles. sanders was a rude shock to me in the middle of my excitement, and my deep dive into how the republican smears worked. to be honest — i was wildly enthusiastic about hillary clinton haha. i am saddened by people who want to secede — as if the millions of democratic voters in georgia mean nothing. we delivered two democratic senators — for the tie breaking senate — in 2020! warnock and ossoff. i’m still so proud of georgia for that. and georgia voting for biden — what a moment.

but yes. i was just starting to get enthusiastic. the first female president of the united states! cat ladies! hella competent and holds her in debates! it would be such a relief to feel like, we are still on track for climate change, for abortion access. three months was such a short time … i haven’t even gotten arount to merch yet. i’m definitely going to though, the house three doors down has a giant trump sign. what’s the point of being a homeowner if i can’t have flags lol.

i’m trying to remember — wow, in my lifetime, i have voted for the first black president, and in just the past decade i have voted twice now for female candidates! HRC was: “the first woman to be listed as a presidential candidate in every state and territory” per wikipedia. the world is changing — and i am part of it.

i’m angry at my guy friends who don’t feel as scared as i do. who aren’t mad about roe v wade to the bone. i’m scared of dying in childbirth but it’s not their fault, i have to remember. i do see the loss now — i feel like the loss of roe v wade ripped away the option of building a home in georgia since i lost confidence in the medical care there. it’s not something abstract to me, it feels very much a part of my life and my life choices right now, in the short term (5 years).

but it’s not their fault. and if this helps me be more open about these topics and helps change minds, then that will be a positive result.

(things i’m mad about: trump being: a repeated molester, convicted felon, someone who literally tried to overthrow the government and started a riot in the capitol that killed people, suggested shooting protestors, threatened media freedom, etc. things i’m sad about: his policies are going to be worse for the middle class economy than harris’s)

(on top of the disgusting way it played out. that obama’s pick was blocked for months, and then trump’s pick got squished in in a week. ugh.)

and the global politics. (ah, don’t be mad at my friends who were so mad at the democratic party lately. it’s because i’m triggered from 2016 when i was way less emotionally competent lol).

i am still part of the world changing. focus instead — what can i do? the positives — abortion access is being enshrined in state constitutions and can continue to be enshrined. i can focus on becoming rich and powerful — and using my knowledge and skills to create climate change solutions. it feels weird — as a kid i was laser-focused on international development and the UN millenium development goals. maybe i need to travel more again. but now i feel the pressure of climate change, of how it’s killing people every day.

ah. i really did want to spend the next 1-2 years focused on pure technical achievement. i feel like i did my karmic duty in my former relationship and in my thesis topic and i was ready to put all the naysayers (including myself) in the dust. i was so excited to not think about any social issues for a while and just grind on technical content and build cool things. notch in and checkpoint a bunch of career wins and a sweet salary. so, so excited and almost feeling confident and purposeful.

now i’ve dropped back into the 2016 hellhole, 2016-2020 were awful. i think that’s what i’m fearing … i have to remind myself. i’m a different person now. i have a lot more tools at my disposal.

should i choose, i can still practice amnesia and indifference. many people do. i did my duty in 2020. i can say, i do not have more to give right now, grind on making lots of money, and then have all the contributions in 2026 and 2028 🙂

i’m looking forward to it !! yes, i have learned through fire about how being laser focused on the negatives can overwhelm. it does not mean my fellow americans are trumpian, even if now the system will teeter into autocracy. it means they are human. focus on the positives. multiple female candidates. multiple wins for abortion access and a sense that other people care. we can do this. we can build a better future; i will help build a better future.

and i guess i live in MA for now …

but first … sleep and getting outdoors

i am starting to realize that life moves on, that where i live and who i live with is a unique function of my current life circumstances. and to take advantage while i can, as opposed to saving every cent. that path of least resistance will change.

in the past i used to live with very outdoors people, again by chance. i found a cheap place to stay and the people who already lived there were outdoors friends who went on trips every weekend. i could just join their trips, borrow their equipment, and all with minimal cost and energy. we also had house parties at least once a season. since we all had large social groups (e.g. my roommates belonged to big student organizations and were leaders there). i always met new people or caught up with mutual friendquaintances at these parties. semi-spontaneous trips happened even when it was freezing or raining, or required getting up at 5am or ended at 2am. the focus was on social drama and feeling pressured to be too hardcore. people often cooked and ate together or shared food.

right now, none of my roommates are very social or organizing-oriented. house parties are just my parties with people i already know. my roommate’s friends do not show up, and friends-of-friends are rare.

that was a particularly bad time of my life personally, co-founding my startup was stressful, i had no job security and didn’t know about masshealth, i was paid little, i had major self-esteem issues from MIT, i was constantly cold due to poor insulation + saving on heat, i was perpetually confused about my not-relationship, and other issues like sharing one bathroom with 5-6 people. so i don’t want to go back necessarily.

i am just more appreciative now of a time in my life that i tried to forget for many years due to the painful memories.

my roomates now are great. but half of us are over thirty, and that half has physical-mental issues of getting injured and life stresses, so the path of least resistance would be hanging out by watching tv or movies or youtube or playing video games or getting takeout. we are busy with work or school, and gone are the late nights of hacking on random extremely nerdy side projects.

is losing bits of my identity the price to pay for being happier?

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for a while after undergrad time, since i grew up sheltered and well-fed, i had no sense of money and instead my only idea of budgeting was to spend as little as possible.

the idea of setting aside money to spend guilt-free on having fun each month was a revelation.

but the last few years, between taking leave without my phd stipend and living off of contract work, and then not having income and borrowing money later when I focused on writing my thesis to graduate, and then not having a job lined up, budgeting became hard again (how do i budget when i don’t know my income next month, or when i’ll next have income? how can i avoid borrowing money for as long as possible?). i reverted back to a feeling of scarcity.

now that i have some savings and some prospect of a job soon, my feeling of every dollar being an irrationally difficult decision has eased a lot. i am starting to think of rent in terms of paying to live close to my friends, and take-out as a worthwhile budget item rather than a stressful slightly guilty experience (with better planning, could I have avoided it).

—–

i went to my pcp for my (apparently technically every two years) annual checkup. all’s well, but she mentioned looking into strength training now that i’m in my thirties.

the gym nearest to me is expensive. but i know i can go there regularly, as it’s a six minute walk and they close at 11pm. their fixed joining fee also dropped to $50 from $80. and finally, my current roommate goes to the gym 3-4x a week and has volunteered to teach me weightlifting. this seems like a very unique set of life circumstances.

so i’ve decided to try taking advantage of it! my current plan is:

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=149807833&page=1

it has been very path of least resistance. and instead of figuring out some precise workout, it’s just “do as many until it’s hard to more, then rest.” i have some sense of posture from a hand-stands class i took, so that helps.

routine has been hard. i find it hard to cut social situations short, and it’s easy to say that i’ll go later or tomorrow instead. but i’ve seen the results this week: i didn’t make it in at all. so i’ll make a conscious effort to prioritize exercise more. when something comes up, gym comes first and other stuff can wait. at least until i can build more of a habit.

i keep in mind from atomic habits: just strive for 1% better each day.

i’ve also come to understand that one day, i will get injured or frail. and i will have to try to push and work to get 1% better each day just to get back to independent living. so it is good to do this now and build confidence that all this does add up and activities that are hard now will get easier in finite time. that e.g. taking the stairs instead of the escalator is a meaningful amount of investment in myself. even if it’s not something i can brag about, or recount stories about, or i’m just plain tired. if i am unsure and on the fence about investing 1% in myself, i will default to opt-in instead of opt-out.

—–

i think that’s all for now. i’ll have to write about my gardening and sailing another day …