it’s so weirrrdd to think about in the future when we will look back at this as such a weird phase in our lives, just a set of memories of life lived and past

yesterday had the insane news that parents will get first vaccine dose next week

i actually just kinda cried a bit it was such a feeling of relief, my heart was thinking i will maybe get the vaccine in august, and hopefully my parents in may. this is so sudden and soon. I had read the vaccination plan and between 65+ and the 16-65 age group, there were three other groups (eg grocery store workers). i didn’t realize just how much the threat of them falling sick and being of the 1% that dies was weighing on me. (dear stars maybe we can stop wiping down our groceries, waiting three days to open mail, and eat takeout freely).

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I have pondered why I don’t ask for pay (yes, my parents own their home so I can be the proverbial millenial living with their parents during the pandemic). Is it because I am being too meek, downtrodden, etc.? But it doesn’t quite feel like that.

I think the reason is pride. That I’m tired of working hard to please people for what in the end feels like no good reason. That at least this way I get some say in what I do. That I don’t feel beholden to anyone. I should definitely prioritize more of my own fun projects though. I have to remember that I am living this life for myself.

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reading the moment of lift – something that keeps going through my head. at one point she adds up the excess time of household chores done by women vs men, and it totals up to enough time to get a master’s degree.

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was going to boycott kroger, but the most reasonable option next is target, however it’s unreasonable to spend a 40 minute round trip instead of a 10 minute round trip. instead idea was to put a tip in an envelope. totally failed at that.

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was not in the least vegetarian this year. console myself with the fact that i did zero flying, which is also good for the environment, albeit bad for airline employees.

ergh

internships

pondering that this grasping robotics startup I know is hiring at $20-$25 an hour… that’s lower than I had at fitbit as an undergrad without negotiating. they seemed to want me full-time but also declined to write me a rec letter for things… so.

in any case, the path to my goal may have to be riskier than job-seeking. I doubt my salary could be higher than 120k ish (which by god that is absurdly high, i’m sure the complaint reeks of absurdity to some people. but in terms of making up the gender pay gap, I’m not sure is doing much)

old paper old label is getting some press i guess – talking to some media people. not sure how to describe my feelings. on the one hand, okay great, publicity never hurts when i’m still building my career. win-win right? but on the hand, it feels unjust somehow. i was paid, i guess, for most of it maybe. but it does feel like i got used for this paper, mit gets publicity, my pi gets to use it for grants, and here i am unemployed. this feels exactly like when harvard didn’t even contact me and put out some stupid newsletter saying oh hey look at these harvard students who got fellowships. and meanwhile i don’t have an advisor and am fighting like heck to stay in grad school.

thanks.

then again maybe it’s all in my head. jobs really depend on who else is applying or skill, but also fit of character, whether the project has stability, location, etc. all these things. taking a chance on people… i’m a chance i guess. “when there’s fresh grads in line”

somehow, it’s always the unjustness of a situation. like if everyone else had to teach. then great, i will teach. but this sense of compounding injustice from the start… it can be hard to bear. maybe i’m okay now being explicit about the challenges i overcame in my applications. but probably it just makes me even riskier rather than appear strong. i’ve had making that mistake cost me tens of thousands of dollars before.

it’s hard to tell how far i’ve come, and be grateful about that, mostly because i avoid thinking about the past because it feels so awful. living in the present.

maybe write a tool to compare job openings vs job applicants now and projected into the future (based on graduation rates). would that actually help me have insight into where to apply? i’m guessing that a lot depends on how good the other people are at advertising. or maybe just make a tool to aggregate university job listings?