ive def gotten more work done on the right things since last posting, but i’m not sure it counts as hustling, and it def hasn’t made me feel any better. maybe i’ve spent so much time in my room hustling that i need to go out and water and sun myself or something
today is the day
to get ten minutes of exercise
mentally i’ve kind of moved on from russia-ukraine compared to reading the bbc each day. weird to think about.
npr shortwave is nice
bbc more or less is great, they went into why the nytimes headline about russia urkaine 1/4 wheat or something doesn’t actually mean a shortfall of 25%
i guess i need something i can measure progress in vs research which i am just so depressed to think about it feels like i’ll never get anywhere with that and i’ll just be poor forever and fail out
i’ve totally given up on yoga even ! it was way easier to commit to and i actually went when it was cold out a few times, i’m not sure what’s wrong with my brain
ok, fix my bike, bike to costco, buy cheesecake (it’s that state again where i’m scared that whatever i do might make things worse)
i should go into the lab more. maybe on days i have no internship meetings (wed and fri?). and try to do at least 10 hrs/week of contract work. having more fun budget might help. or take up climbing?? puzzles????
doing codewars with friends — i defended it as, you’re really just executing algorithms when playing boardgames too. but i’ve actually grown to really like it. maybe it’s the people i play with. though, i’ve yet to push my boundaries and learn the algorithm-y stuff i should.
maybe i need to be able to binge things when learning, so that’s what’s holding me back from edx…
after vaccines, i’ve become so much less judgemental about other people’s choices. it was an interesting tension in the past. thinking that travelling for leisure was a questionable decision to make societally. or eating indoors. but nowadays these choices feel much more like personal comfort decisions than community pandemic decisions, somehow. i judged myself really harshly for going to malta.
yea, the b-level malta conference, my lack of brand name internship, my lack of like anything, with regard to being 5 years in. it’s probably the main issue here. so i need to… yea… get work done ! stop worrying about normal daily mood fluctuations and introspecting so hard. go volunteer or something meaningful with my time. raise a cat or something, though having a litter box in the same 7×10 ft room … I’m not sure how that’ll work… maybe something smaller than the litter robot in the living room?
there’s always this wiggling around where i think there’s some secret sauce people have that i’m missing. but for all i know there are habits of mine people are thinking, if only they could contort their working rhythms into something similar, they could do better
hm
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/05/world-war-ii-empire-colonialism/629371/ was an interesting history perspective. “a new book argues that the conflict was a battle for empire” is the byline. the idea the framing of democracy-totaliarinism is this western narrative that turns wwii into “good winning” rather than a self-interested fight for colonies. and the idea of the US thinking of “the goodness of war” which i can see the logic of – the US as the world’s policeman. that our intense defense spending is a good thing that keeps the world order intact. (if we model nations as self-interested, it makes sense that nations who aren’t on top in this order would want to change it)
and learned about france. straight up did not know that there was a european union country in south america – french guiana ! that uses the euro and everything. i thought i knew about empire, but i clearly do not https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXP8F4TIZ0U
i have somehow fallen back into being deeply unhappy about my pay, i don’t think there should be a “we can pay you less b/c you just care about the kids” kinda tax on this work, f*k that
can’t blame the system, just hustle harder
things to not care about:
where i should be
that i am not great at cooking
not great at a healthy lifestyle / exercise
people who don’t think i should be paid
offending some people (we’re all headed to the same destination in the end anyway)
those can be worked on in a year ! and i can be good at other things (like sailing)
appreciate who i am and what i have, then strive for even better
go on the offensive, not defensive; i’ll make a name plate for myself that gives me a title and i’ll fake it until i make it
and just be okay that i am who i am, don’t need to go emulate whatever i think other people i think are more successful do,
(a rabbit learning from a horse how to cross the same river will drown)
goals: finish this classifier in a week (RL contract work over weekend), finish robot arm demo in a month (work on knife-throwing after), bank work – friday goal
because i am actually smart enough to do so !
uh, pandemic diary:
putin’s war is 42 days in, given up on capital,
photos of people throwing other people in a big ditch, wrapped up in the same household stuff I have: comforters, rugs, bath robes
a tank rolling down the streets and just firing on a huge apartment building as if it were a video game
reading spy x family: hilarious, but the idea of finding the limbs/arm of my loved ones torn off and just lying sticking out of wall rubble. somehow got to me. visceral.
(being behind on rent. making ends meet by staging photos: a “country starving under dictatorship” by throwing a kid’s toy in the trash and taking photos of them “digging for food in the trash”. then getting dragged away.)
(how a normal happy-go-lucky person, that positive energy, motivated of love for their country and their family living there to interrogate people for the SSS)
(another visceral scene from a book. still remember the story in melinda gate’s book. the sex worker who prostituted herself out of love for her daughter, to support her daughter through school. then when the daughter’s friends found out and shamed the daughter for it, the daughter killed herself)
biden taking a stand and calling putin a war criminal vs ending war sooner – what is the more moral thing to do?
BA.2 on the rise again even as i take more risks (indoor dining this week, likely). i’m so eager for the weather to turn warm so i don’t have to take these risks anymore to social with new people without just straight up inviting new people to my aptmt with all my roommates
abortion rights being curtailed – ga state passing bill to ban mail-in abortions. supreme court upholding rights in texas for state to pay for bounties on women. it’s sickening.
hurry up! earn money so i can support the fight (does it matter? but it must, otherwise nothing matters)
elections coming up again, put myself on a solid footing by november so i’m in a place to volunteer
is it wrong to have a FAANG / whatever goal? (will i thrive if i’m not working on missions i care about?) no! i’m doing a phd in cs at harvard; i’ve got publications; stop listening to the people who would tear me down (even the ones in my head / my projections of the real people)
the unreliability of case numbers as cases go down (noise starts to overwhelm small signal), rapid tests increase (those aren’t reported). i’m definitely taking on more risks now that i know i can get regularly tested for free. and as i get a feedback of taking risks and not getting sick. (where is my red line? i keep moving it)
and the huge outbreak in china (entire shanghai locked down, crazy !!)
changed so much now in third year of pandemic. remember when i used to batch stores for a monthly trip, freak out if people where closer than 6 ft in a store, shower immediately after, decontaminate mail, … access to tests makes such a difference. the mask wearing and the hand washing stays though
or at least, it feels like late summer of last year
but with more research + the boosters + “milder” but very contagious covid variant ripping through the population (thus killing more people than other variants), actually feel more confident &
i feel comfortable now doing way more activities. or maybe i’m just fatigued. and classes that my friends go to have run in person for a while now
in person – mixed feelings, hybrid good
— went to lab in allston today, at lunchtime the cafe was swarming with people, it made me feel very stressed out ! !
— and went to pierce to cowork in person last week for a few hours, and even walked around (again) crowded law school cafe
just… went into office to re-integrate into society, see some classmates again. if i’m willing to bike 30 mins into boston on a whim and get totally lost, i should be willing to bike 10 mins to pierce or 16 mins to allston, in particular, it’s basically a straight path with bike lane the whole way
(still, attended office hours on zoom, and anxiety cleaned my room / mopped the floor while waiting for prof to finish with another student. this is not possible in office hours if you are just in line to talk to the prof. hybrid is nice)
allston: went there to go to seminar in-person today (monday). actually, the speaker was on zoom and it was just the four of us in a room! got lunch coupon – for take out – encouraged to eat together (oops). theoretically everyone vax and masked. but actually building is completely open to the public 0:
another win for hybrid: didn’t really disrupt / feel awkward going in late, and could actually follow the talk the whole way while biking (zoom on phone)
still. didn’t say hi to classmates today – or go in to lab – felt overwhelming to try to interact with anyone other than the same old 4 or 5 people
— also went to yoga last friday – door was even closed (30F out). hepa filters and everyone masked (4 people, all vaxxed, in fairly spacious room). but still, more like 2 ft spacing than 6ft
the new engineering building is very nice looking. mixed feelings. good to have nice things. but does it pressure out the misfits and janky hackish projects? hopefully not. still – my friend points out almost anywhere you sit there is natural light coming in (reflectors on windows?). and wildflower grass balconies to work on, with outdoor outlets
pandemic now
just today harvard announced soon masksoptional !
i’m sure it will change if cases rise again. still, shocking
(i bet my friend that social norms means most people at harvard will still mask, she thinks differently)
“only” 1300 deaths a day in the US now (7 day avg).
interestingly, the drop in cases is so sharp – the 7 day moving avg, is ~7x the number of daily (today)! 42k avg daily (avg across 7 days) vs 6k cases today today.
now i’m going into the office, i’ll get tested weekly through covid. free through university. just pick up a kit (unmanned, just a box full of kits in several locations). self-swab (poor nose). and drop off at bins usually located next the kits (also unmanned). there’s a last pickup time, like fedex.
PCR turnaround ~18 hrs (fri afternoon drop off, sat morning online report)
tests available for $8 just about everywhere (target) without having to call around now. government stepping in and buying tests to make sure manufacturers have reliable demand to invest in test production. but is it only 4 free ones (per household) ever, or per month? not sure, but we did get our four free ones 🙂 haven’t used any yet
pandemic changes in my behavior
nowadays i will walk 1 ft away from my friend (vax, boosted, tested weekly) outside and not be concerned even when unmasked
(nice weather lately, several days of 40F going up to high 50s !) — hopefully that means our gas bill is no longer $440/month
still feel nervous if I’m unmasked and others are also, and we are walking the same block 4 ft apart for a while
omicron seemed so contagious back when cases were going insane that i was back to my 6 ft masked bubble again (though tbf in georgia half the time the other person is unmasked) — remember stories of people catching it just from crossing the street close to someone for a few seonds
i remember looking up the generation time of omicron — contagious / can spread omicron again in some cases within a day ! vs delta was 3 days, original more like 5 days.
still remember in 2020 either party politely crossing the street when encountering other people around our suburb — some weird resonance with stories i heard about racism, yet same action is polite now in totally different context
parents are even considering air travel in a month — despite some pre-existing conditions. i guess probably it’s ok
i consistently don’t wear a mask in the stairwell now…
still run hepa filters whenever maintenance workers come over — usually they are unmasked
but mostly i run mine for white noise now lol
also feel alarmed to try and eat indoors with other people around. but maybe it’s fine if the spacing is large??? the idea of being unmasked indoors in a public space still makes me instinctively nervous
pandemic specific skills: mask sizing
today i actually tried briefly to find the size of masks that fit my face comfortably (medium) in black instead of white – kf94. doesn’t touch my lips & feels just the right closeness & molded to nose well.
note to self, klaring medium dimensions: imperial: 7.5 x 2.87 x 5.4 in metric: 19 x 7.3 x 13.7 cm (190 x 73 x 137 mm) length x (folded height) x (unfolded height)
(kn95 – haven’t figured out how to make it fit my face well, fogs up like crazy)
so specific — a long time ago i was too lazy even to watch a youtube video my friend send me about comparisons of different mask styles. just used non-medical surgical mask
microcovid
i keep forgetting the definition when i tell people.
We created the concept of the “microcovid” as a new quantitative unit for risk. One microCOVID is a one-in-a-million chance of getting COVID.
An activity that’s 20,000 microCOVIDs means that you have a 2% risk of getting COVID every time you do it. An activity that’s 20 microCOVIDs (or 0.002%) is relatively safe, as you could do it every week for a year and still have only accumulated about a 0.1% chance of getting COVID.
https://www.microcovid.org
wait so – 1 “covid” is then 1,000 microcovids = 0.1% chance of COVID.
aka same activity, weekly for a year is 50x = 5% chance of getting COVID over the year
Risk tolerance buckets: They run it per year
0.1 % = 20 mCOVID / week
1 % = 200 mCOVID / week — they call “standard caution” budget (1 in 100 people)
3 % = 600 mCOVID / week – (1 in 33)
10% = 2,000 mCOVID / week
ukraine / putin’s war
seems like war in ukraine will exist for weeks / months. the instability / having so much chaos and death rest in the hands of some old guy who is clearly out of touch with reality / bizarrely conspiratorial. wants to return to the glorious old days. terrifying to not appreciate the new world with the peace we all have —
this weird sense of international corporations and banking actually forming a common culture and jargon in all these countries, and with H&M etc. shutting down, day-to-day people finding themselves suddenly increasingly isolated
(also had no idea there was such strong misinformation in russia. the idea of shelling cities across ukraine — definitely not aiding some breakaway regions as was initially claimed…)
what is greater context? i don’t know anything about ussr. just following news updates for hours to procrastinate… but need to sit down and learn history
terrifying to watch normal cities get levelled, the idea of not trying to capture a city but just raze it to the ground.
consumerism
inflation — in some ways it’s just empowered me to be a little more decisive about purchasing things online. if the price is higher than the past — maybe that’s just have to accept, due to inflation, the value vs price is less certain
amazon, target, yamibuy — everything online nowadays. or do pickup.
but still often in person — will spend 30 mins in crowded market basket and not be suppppeerr stressed out somehow (compared to cafe). maybe just normalized grocery shopping
still, waiting in line at a crowded small boba shop — makes me nervous
it’s really nice that case counts are so low again. i feel like a period of time everyone was nervous about sore throat etc as omicron, but in the end everyone i know had something other than omicron
morbidity (serious illness)
nytimes morning briefing from end of Jan:
the idea of irrational distrust of vaccines, but from liberals (distrust that they’ll protect us) — esp. that for liberals, young people are more afraid than old people ! (from kaiser, https://www.kff.org/coronavirus-policy-watch/is-contact-tracing-getting-enough-attention-in-u-s-coronavirus-response/)
the dying of covid, given you get covid, according to some calcs (for our age group and given boostered) is less than likelihood of dying in a car crash on a random day
well i may not be comfortable in gym for multiple reasons. (shower??) but maybe i could aim for… 10 minutes of exercise a day?
right now we’re accomplishing 5 mins of stretches a day, which is not-nothing
thanks to the ankle sprain (got two weeks before thanksgiving, still recovering) i understand a lot more about how stretches can “target” muscle groups to decrease likelihood of injury, vs just general fitness
anyway, that’s it for now
postscript
forgot to add a featured image, maybe this mural of a dinosaur fighting a robot around inman sq will do
