the rat ladder (or is it rat wheel)

GOTTA CLIMB IT

i have somehow fallen back into being deeply unhappy about my pay, i don’t think there should be a “we can pay you less b/c you just care about the kids” kinda tax on this work, f*k that

can’t blame the system, just hustle harder

things to not care about:

• where i should be
• that i am not great at cooking
• not great at a healthy lifestyle / exercise
• people who don’t think i should be paid
• offending some people (we’re all headed to the same destination in the end anyway)

those can be worked on in a year ! and i can be good at other things (like sailing)

appreciate who i am and what i have, then strive for even better

go on the offensive, not defensive; i’ll make a name plate for myself that gives me a title and i’ll fake it until i make it

and just be okay that i am who i am, don’t need to go emulate whatever i think other people i think are more successful do,

(a rabbit learning from a horse how to cross the same river will drown)

goals: finish this classifier in a week (RL contract work over weekend), finish robot arm demo in a month (work on knife-throwing after), bank work – friday goal

because i am actually smart enough to do so !

uh, pandemic diary:

putin’s war is 42 days in, given up on capital,

photos of people throwing other people in a big ditch, wrapped up in the same household stuff I have: comforters, rugs, bath robes

a tank rolling down the streets and just firing on a huge apartment building as if it were a video game

reading spy x family: hilarious, but the idea of finding the limbs/arm of my loved ones torn off and just lying sticking out of wall rubble. somehow got to me. visceral.

(being behind on rent. making ends meet by staging photos: a “country starving under dictatorship” by throwing a kid’s toy in the trash and taking photos of them “digging for food in the trash”. then getting dragged away.)

(how a normal happy-go-lucky person, that positive energy, motivated of love for their country and their family living there to interrogate people for the SSS)

(another visceral scene from a book. still remember the story in melinda gate’s book. the sex worker who prostituted herself out of love for her daughter, to support her daughter through school. then when the daughter’s friends found out and shamed the daughter for it, the daughter killed herself)

biden taking a stand and calling putin a war criminal vs ending war sooner – what is the more moral thing to do?

BA.2 on the rise again even as i take more risks (indoor dining this week, likely). i’m so eager for the weather to turn warm so i don’t have to take these risks anymore to social with new people without just straight up inviting new people to my aptmt with all my roommates

abortion rights being curtailed – ga state passing bill to ban mail-in abortions. supreme court upholding rights in texas for state to pay for bounties on women. it’s sickening.

hurry up! earn money so i can support the fight (does it matter? but it must, otherwise nothing matters)

elections coming up again, put myself on a solid footing by november so i’m in a place to volunteer

is it wrong to have a FAANG / whatever goal? (will i thrive if i’m not working on missions i care about?) no! i’m doing a phd in cs at harvard; i’ve got publications; stop listening to the people who would tear me down (even the ones in my head / my projections of the real people)

the unreliability of case numbers as cases go down (noise starts to overwhelm small signal), rapid tests increase (those aren’t reported). i’m definitely taking on more risks now that i know i can get regularly tested for free. and as i get a feedback of taking risks and not getting sick. (where is my red line? i keep moving it)

and the huge outbreak in china (entire shanghai locked down, crazy !!)

changed so much now in third year of pandemic. remember when i used to batch stores for a monthly trip, freak out if people where closer than 6 ft in a store, shower immediately after, decontaminate mail, … access to tests makes such a difference. the mask wearing and the hand washing stays though