at times like these i see myself how the world sees me: a woman
i want to be angry at my friends somehow since they are the closest to me and i’m terrified.
but i also feel the enormity of running for president in the united states. just how many people have to put in work for how many hours for this uncertainty of a venture that is american politics. so many smart, bright, talented people.
and to be honest, i think harris did amazing. she started three months ago (!). what have i done in three months? barely anything hah.
in medford — 75% of people voted for harris. i’m not sure the turnout, i think around 70% across the state. so there’s probably around 1/5 people who actively vote for trump here. in somerville it’s closer to 88%. 1/10 people or less. half as many. it’s weird to put it that way. but there are the big trump flags here that make me feel like i’m in georgia.
i’m angry at my friends for irrational reasons, as if I would be any happier if our lives became devoted to politics. it is good to be older and wiser than 2016 me who fell off the rails. i need to remember that.
i wasn’t sure how to tell people here that i didn’t feel the same amount of energy and enthusiasm as in 2020, when we had the biden checks (heh) and free time to campaign (and presumably other college folks were home too). i really got invested / enthusiastic over the summer in 2016 and 2020. (well, i was in georgia both elections).
i can feel it — the bubble i live in, and the bubble people my friends’ groups lives in. we don’t associate with the other — we don’t welcome people having different opinions. because of fear and anger. as if somehow my friends misled me to be optimistic. that i was the one lulled since the people around me were feeling secure. herd thinking.
my friend told me today: “i don’t know anyone who was enthusiastic about hillary clinton,” and it was interesting to me — in georgia i didn’t know anyone who was enthusiastic about sanders … bubbles in bubbles. sanders was a rude shock to me in the middle of my excitement, and my deep dive into how the republican smears worked. to be honest — i was wildly enthusiastic about hillary clinton haha. i am saddened by people who want to secede — as if the millions of democratic voters in georgia mean nothing. we delivered two democratic senators — for the tie breaking senate — in 2020! warnock and ossoff. i’m still so proud of georgia for that. and georgia voting for biden — what a moment.
but yes. i was just starting to get enthusiastic. the first female president of the united states! cat ladies! hella competent and holds her in debates! it would be such a relief to feel like, we are still on track for climate change, for abortion access. three months was such a short time … i haven’t even gotten arount to merch yet. i’m definitely going to though, the house three doors down has a giant trump sign. what’s the point of being a homeowner if i can’t have flags lol.
i’m trying to remember — wow, in my lifetime, i have voted for the first black president, and in just the past decade i have voted twice now for female candidates! HRC was: “the first woman to be listed as a presidential candidate in every state and territory” per wikipedia. the world is changing — and i am part of it.
i’m angry at my guy friends who don’t feel as scared as i do. who aren’t mad about roe v wade to the bone. i’m scared of dying in childbirth but it’s not their fault, i have to remember. i do see the loss now — i feel like the loss of roe v wade ripped away the option of building a home in georgia since i lost confidence in the medical care there. it’s not something abstract to me, it feels very much a part of my life and my life choices right now, in the short term (5 years).
but it’s not their fault. and if this helps me be more open about these topics and helps change minds, then that will be a positive result.
(things i’m mad about: trump being: a repeated molester, convicted felon, someone who literally tried to overthrow the government and started a riot in the capitol that killed people, suggested shooting protestors, threatened media freedom, etc. things i’m sad about: his policies are going to be worse for the middle class economy than harris’s)
(on top of the disgusting way it played out. that obama’s pick was blocked for months, and then trump’s pick got squished in in a week. ugh.)
and the global politics. (ah, don’t be mad at my friends who were so mad at the democratic party lately. it’s because i’m triggered from 2016 when i was way less emotionally competent lol).
i am still part of the world changing. focus instead — what can i do? the positives — abortion access is being enshrined in state constitutions and can continue to be enshrined. i can focus on becoming rich and powerful — and using my knowledge and skills to create climate change solutions. it feels weird — as a kid i was laser-focused on international development and the UN millenium development goals. maybe i need to travel more again. but now i feel the pressure of climate change, of how it’s killing people every day.
ah. i really did want to spend the next 1-2 years focused on pure technical achievement. i feel like i did my karmic duty in my former relationship and in my thesis topic and i was ready to put all the naysayers (including myself) in the dust. i was so excited to not think about any social issues for a while and just grind on technical content and build cool things. notch in and checkpoint a bunch of career wins and a sweet salary. so, so excited and almost feeling confident and purposeful.
now i’ve dropped back into the 2016 hellhole, 2016-2020 were awful. i think that’s what i’m fearing … i have to remind myself. i’m a different person now. i have a lot more tools at my disposal.
should i choose, i can still practice amnesia and indifference. many people do. i did my duty in 2020. i can say, i do not have more to give right now, grind on making lots of money, and then have all the contributions in 2026 and 2028 🙂
i’m looking forward to it !! yes, i have learned through fire about how being laser focused on the negatives can overwhelm. it does not mean my fellow americans are trumpian, even if now the system will teeter into autocracy. it means they are human. focus on the positives. multiple female candidates. multiple wins for abortion access and a sense that other people care. we can do this. we can build a better future; i will help build a better future.
and i guess i live in MA for now …
but first … sleep and getting outdoors