reflections on being old(er)

one covid+ roommate

and graduating later

it’s fall which seems like a time for reflection

i wonder when my dreams went from changing the world and dreaming about a better future

to wanting to publish in conferences and hoping to get interviews at big companies to make money to feel like i’m not just … behind on being an adult

the feeling of the wild (east) of the open-source hardware movement, and education at scale, to a desire to hear back from recruiters and hiring managers, to wishing i’d gotten a reasonable job and stockpiled money, worrying about the economy and about myself and about the world

what happened?

after graduating undergrad, starting my own company was what gave me back my confidence

what’s to give me back my confidence after graduating? i thought graduating would give me confidence. instead i look at jobs that i think i could do well in, and they ask for publications in venues i never got to, and i just feel


it’s an internal thing i’m sure, but it’s hard to not think about it all. to think about progress. when there are wars erupting, previously stable areas destabilizing, climate change, us-china relations so strained, global economies drifting apart, and here i am, a mote of dust in the midst of it all. what does it mean to dream of change? where can i immigrate to, in order to dream of a better future? who do i get to dream with?