content warning: guns and gun violence (section at bottom)
Went to see the dragon boat festival ! i only caught a glimpse of it, but since i got to share it with friends, i really enjoyed it. (what is chinese culture to me? the feeling of childhood summers spent there, eating foods, a world away from the US)
Thoughts on: luck of being born in the US. vs. being born in a poorer country. In latter, no matter how hard work, likelihood becoming millionaire ~= zero. So for me, becoming a millionaire may be hard work, but also incredible luck being born where I was.
Research: the anxiety of no longer believing that hard work pays off while knowing that i should believe the fiction, or else it becomes a self-defeating circle
i suppose i still feel a bit of terror in my heart at not following the path others do — applying for internships, grants, and fellowships — things i could add to my resume even, easily prove my worth to Others (who?) — and instead relying on contract work (how can I push further on that?)
while at the same time admiring people who just take off at 20 and go to … sail around the world or somesuch. technically there is nothing stopping me from doing so !! On twitch. There are streamers who did that, went to eg kung fu academy for two years
attending a startup class — to be honest, given the low commitment (2-3 hrs a week) and that i don’t intend to full-time a startup right after graduating / haven’t done due diligence, i didn’t expect much out of it (expected kind of a desultory reading group feeling)
(though maybe that’s also good in a way — i’m not tied to a particular idea, and can “quit” easily if desired)
the speaker was expert on decision theory — thinking in bets
Quitting can be getting to where we want to go faster
Can promise – science says we will *always* quit too late (missing out on opportunity cost)
resultism fallacy — NOT the case that good decision = good outcome, bad decision = bad outcome
eg at investing firm: usually there isn’t a meeting if an outcome is much *better* than forecast, even if the amount / of error is the same as for bad outcome
As leader (Of whatever level): Talk about outcomes when they are good, not just bad, or else: people set low targets (now you have to estimate fudge factor or else misallocate resources) to lower career risk, or only make decisions through consensus (here’s 50 pages of analysis, agreement for entire group and contractors). Both are anthit
A lot of stress from decision making is worrying get decision wrong, to lower it:
Consider: Impact of decision? And is it reversible?
e.g. Deciding food at restaurant, impact low: even if terrible, will have another meal ~4 hrs later
If this is the only option I have, would I be fine with it?
She quit due to health issues as all-but-dissertation – while about to give job talks —> poker, asked by investment co. To give talk on decision making, wrote book, now decided go back to grad school — often doors not actually closed — will not improve money but will improve happiness
Avoiding chores due to negative emotional energy: solution may not be (distract by calling friends / podcast) but rather, (optimal ordering for unpleasant tasks — consider that it doesn’t really matter. Replace the emotions by visualizing the energy I spend picking what socks to wear: just wear whatever is in drawer). Might be faster in the end
begin content warning: guns, blood, violence
forefront of my mind is still the shootings
the idea of being a kid and calling for 911 and getting shot
or as a kid smearing yourself in your friend’s blood to avoid getting shot yourself
just a tinge of weird feeling being out in public, especially in a crowd of people or the crowded aisles of a supermarket
Hope on the local level: gun control laws at state level have had measurable impact on reducing gun violence
after listening to npr podcast (vegetarian learning to hunt deer) — value hunters, as hunting licenses and permits are a big part of park conservation funding, and they often appreciate nature much more than average person — different than military weapons for war
hear so little about Ukraine war now. Mostly hear about inflation, gas prices.
inflation remains high and stocks are going haywire (i think due to fed announcement? war in ukraine? no idea). dies
feel like i made unfortunate life choices (startup/grad school before industry), didn’t think so many of my peers would be in a position to buy a home at this age. maybe it’s okay to not be a homeowner.
war weapons and death
understand war says ukraine may have won kharkiv back tbh still surprised ukraine held its own against russia, but mostly i feel a great amount of sadness for all the people dying right now as soldiers that we hear nothing about (at least in the west). and the destruction of cities, and all the money funneled into weapons. i read somewhere “someone is winning, and it’s the defense contractors / weapons manufacturers”
so many mixed feelings about america’s role in policing the world and evangelism of our system of government. i think the newer democracies are way more functional. i also heard someone say maybe this is a sign that the old guard is on its way out. but from my perspective… all this talk about oil/gas and not about renewables.
meanwhile russia’s sanctions seem to be backfiring for now, b/c people continue paying for oil/gas, they have increased their coffers (? or something need to fact check). i imagine war usually makes incumbent president more popular. still need to read up on cultural history russia and ukraine.
hiding true preferences to fit in. a hidden brain episode about that. how before east germany fell, citizens vastly supported government, then after no one would admit to it / would say they were forced into it. so can i say at all that a large portion of russia has patriotically supported the war? who knows / it may be impossible to know, and i can only bring my own biases to bear
checked and found my absnetee ballots marked as provisional,
funnily they never responded to my email but 3 days later my ballot showed up in the mail
forgot that i can only request 2 months ahead, they probably wondered why 6 months all in MA
i should look into renewal online of my driver’s
is my stay in MA really temporary? in my heart it is, but i’m wavering
realization — paper reviews judged mostly by random people, not foremost experts in everything I write about… so my lack of knowledge of NLP, that it’s less “technical” — I can be strong in other points
google summer of code
no longer limited to students
~$15/hr in US
lots of cool projects! !! ! I should contribute to one maybe with ulterior motive of getting nice paying job (??) (so tired)
ios leading the way on low vision / legally blind accessibility which is a thing – AR for directions on a street – exploring photos in the past by labelling –
a startup – using camera in glasses so a remote *human* can explain where to go next !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYLdlO96uaM finding braille signs – the stress of having to find a braille sign behind a door / not getting smashed – typos in braille XDDD – getting lost in a room (like a robot doing SLAM ! loop closure !)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgx8dpiPwpA “a day in the life of an engineer working from home” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv6EMd8dlQk blindr https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=314OLE6mKOo … “where do you want to be if we lose” LOL IS THIS WHAT STARTUPS ARE LIKE IN SFO
urops – thinking a bit more about team management. how did i do it in the past at narwhaledu? i guess we were working fairly separate projects but in person. so logistically (repositories, code) easier
constant pursuit of things to waste time on while feeling less guilty
learned you can mig weld AL???? always thought it was a TIG things (i know-ish mig but not tig). and “soldering” with alumbond, apparently works decently ! as tested by hammering back and forth
the victim complex and ambition really my own fault perhaps to not apply to things / try harder / blame events from 2-5 years ago, in some sense. or at least not very useful to do so. i do feel like i’ve tapped out to some extent, given up. what are my excuses for doing so? what are ways to change that? i’ve been trying to find a higher cause to fight for.
at least i don’t think everything is pointless an in a constant state of decay and efforts are meaningless without result…
at heart i don’t know how to fight for myself sometimes, i only know to try to lone wolf it out. it seeps in, other people’s beliefs about you
there is some layer of gender complexity constantly in my mind. am i failing to try hard enough to prove stereotypes wrong? or instead of focusing on myself – should i not pick a real cause to put my heart and soul into (but that still pays the bills)?
is it okay to not aim to be a CEO or something that means I’m changing the public’s perception of what is possible for (women) to do? to sit back and just mentor the next generation?
intangible qualities such as personality, reliability, and teamwork – things that are hard to quantify, but easy to spot notice once you start working alongside someone being late and being unreliable. One is a fact, and the other is a perception. You emphasize the fact, but I suspect it’s the perception that is behind their unwillingness to rehire https://makingmentorshipbetter.github.io/2021_report.pdf Best Practices for UROP Mentorship in EECS if people get the impression you’re not willing to face screw-ups and learn from them, they won’t think you’re going to be successful
the longer they go without actually dealing with dismissals face to face, the harder it becomes to contemplate doing it.
when someone leaves the executive team: There’s nowhere to go but down or out
People who have felt pressured, cornered, topped-out
they are perfectly happy to stay with the organization and do a lower level job that plays to their strengths
Although it might not be their first reaction, they are actually relieved when someone else makes the decision for them and removes them from the job they knew they couldn’t handle
CEOs should understand that for the good of the organization, the team’s composition ought to keep changing over time
guide to executive coaching. There is substantial literature on the subject
You can coach certain behavioral patterns—how people deal with subordinates, for example, or how they operate within teams
You cannot coach character, integrity, or basic intellectual capacity. You cannot coach a fundamental change in personality
The most obvious way to prevent serious situations from sneaking up is to make a commitment to continual assessment
Situations in which definitive evidence clearly demonstrates that an executive should be sacked are the exception rather than the rule. CEOs who keep hanging back, waiting for more and more information, will almost certainly wait too long
all they succeeded in doing was hurting both the executive team and the organization while prolonging the agony of a stressed-out executive who was left twisting in the wind, awaiting his or her fate
Billion-dollar acquisitions, huge strategic shifts, even decisions to eliminate thousands of jobs—all pale in comparison with the anxiety most CEOs experience when it comes to deciding the fate of their direct reports
state-funded fake clinics that purposefully trick people by locating near actual clinics and get money to tell medical lies
6 week ban -> turns out measured from last period ! -> you might only be 2 wks pregnant
also exception for life-threatening = have to wait until you literally might die (for a baby that will die – see ectopic pregnancy)
US has one of highest maternal mortality rates in developed world
Childbirth is dangerous: Every 100th to 200th birth led to the mother’s death in the 19th century https://ourworldindata.org/maternal-mortality
“There are, however, a few countries where a young women today is more likely to die in childbirth than her mother was a generation ago: the United States, Serbia, Georgia, Saint Lucia, the Bahamas, North Korea, Jamaica, Tonga, Venezuela, South Africa, Suriname, Guyana and Zimbabwe.”
” My aunt was married. She had a 4 year old daughter. They wanted another baby and finally she got pregnant. It wasn’t viable. Her doctor told her she needed an abortion. Sadly this was in the south and the only hospital able to do an abortion denied her. Told her it was immoral and disgusting and she needs to do her best to keep the pregnancy alive. She died of septic shock. The wanted pregnancy didn’t survive. It was just death. Her husband was left a widower and her daughter grew up without a mother. This could have been prevented. It would have been so easy. “
“My situation also opened my eyes to how dangerously deranged these politicians are that they think ‘fertilization’ means personhood. My pregnancy was never viable, but if republicans get their way, doctors could be forced to let women like me bleed to death rather than provide basic healthcare.“
“We unfortunately live in a very red state with trigger laws ready to go once Roe is overturned. I don’t think I want to take the risk of another pregnancy if I’m not able to access abortion services if something goes wrong. There are so many things that can go wrong with pregnancy that would put my life at risk if I couldn’t get a D&C. I’m not willing to leave my son motherless for a chance at another pregnancy, I just won’t risk it.”
re vasectomies, they’re reversible. ‘”It’s a simple 15 minute surgery and you’re back to work after a couple of days.” Reversal is 30-60 min procedure.
“As a man who is fucking furious about this, I’ve still found that sometimes my wife and I aren’t upset at the same time (whenever we each read the news, really) and even that leads to some friction.
Sometimes it can feel like the house is on fire and you wonder why your partner is doing the dishes.”
hm, not upset like I was through 2015-2016. I didn’t go to any BLM or Ukraine protests, and read about it but didn’t reach out to anyone or anything. So. Golden rule, don’t expect of others, just be happy I know so many people that do care!